(Something Smells a Bit) Off Site
As we all know, the best solution to mending a tattered, infighting team is to lock them in a hotel ballroom together for a whole day, whereupon Magic Corporate Pixies will fly in and spread goodwill, cheer, and half-decent afternoon snacks all around. We will frolic amongst the branded pens and pads, polyester tablecloths, and stained velvet chairs, join hands and weep for our souls in need of refactoring.
Uh. Well, at least the part about the half-decent afternoon snacks is true. Swedish meatballs, in fact.
No one was expecting very much apart from free food at today's offsite, least of all me. Our confidence was fully reinforced by the man facilitating the festivities.
"You're paid to create software. I'm paid to facilitate meetings. We all got a job to do here."
Wow, let me get this straight. Someone employed on the outer fringes of the company, not involved directly in the business, without a shred of experience of the intricacies of the IT department, is going to spend the next 8 hours telling us how to work better as a team?
Our development manager is asking a taxidermist to revive the dog he purposefully ran over (twice) in his driveway?
It was all the facilitator could do to get us to play along while he lectured us about the wonderful, different company culture. At each point, he tried to extract examples to demonstrate precisely how wonderful everything was.
"Does anyone want to share how they have experienced management asking for your input on how they should conduct an important activity?"
Dead air. Everyone looks down to desperately avoid eye contact with the facilitator.
"Anybody?"
The clock ticks.
"Anyone?"
Management brows crease. They'll need a change of underwear in a few more moments.
Thankfully, one of the overeager new guys volunteers a shamelessly canned testimony to their lord and master. "Well, we did have a lessons learned session after Iteration 1!"
Diluted bliss crosses management faces. Panty crisis averted.
In yet another situation made for television, the praise leader asks, "So who here has heard that we have a really flat management structure?"
A smattering of hands goes up.
"Now, who actually believes it?"
Every single arm shoots down, except those belonging to the managers, who slowly peer around at each other, wondering what in the world just happened. They look mildly sheepish and ashamed, having shown that they are the last kids on the block who believe in Santa Claus. Of course, they were the ones that got the XBox 360s for Christmas. The other kids got socks.
Still, the day wasn't without its redeeming moments. When all were asked to discuss and present what made their best experience on a team great, everyone takes the opportunity to make thinly veiled jabs at what exactly made this team their worst experience.
"No egos -- everyone worked for the common good!"
"Everyone was totally open and honest with each other..."
"The team was of a reasonable size."
It seems surreal and totally unexpected, so many people standing up and subtly giving management what-for. Could management have anticipated that this was the likely outcome of the activity? Who killed the Pixies?
Lastly, the best moment of all happens during the eye-rolling "Stop, Start, Continue" exercise, where each functional group lists items it should stop, start, and continue doing. The Soulless Himbo Backstabber smugly agrees to scribe for the table. He steps up to the plate, wallowing in his amazing ability to fool the team's manager and all the pitiable analysts with his smooth act. He and his gang of hairy cheerleaders had spread all manner of vicious rumors about everyone at the table and beyond.
In acts of sheer survival, every team experiences enormous difficulty listing what things the team should stop doing. Finally, the analysis manager speaks.
"Here's one. We should stop talking behind people's backs."
Himbo, shocked, makes a graspingly poor attempt at humor. "What, you mean don't talk behind your back? Hey everybody, we should stop talking behind AM's back!"
AM is not amused. "No, we should stop talking behind Each Other's backs. Go ahead. Write it down."
Watching Himbo scribe Point #12 is like watching him slit his own wrists. When AM makes Himbo read it out to the whole gathering as well -- to aghast heckling -- AM climbs up a million ranks in my estimation. I am hoping against every hope that this is the moment when Himbo has finally Jumped The Shark.
As the day ends and everyone packs up, I thank AM for Point #12. He smiles. In the distance, I swear I can hear the faint giggles of the Magic Corporate Pixies.
Uh. Well, at least the part about the half-decent afternoon snacks is true. Swedish meatballs, in fact.
No one was expecting very much apart from free food at today's offsite, least of all me. Our confidence was fully reinforced by the man facilitating the festivities.
"You're paid to create software. I'm paid to facilitate meetings. We all got a job to do here."
Wow, let me get this straight. Someone employed on the outer fringes of the company, not involved directly in the business, without a shred of experience of the intricacies of the IT department, is going to spend the next 8 hours telling us how to work better as a team?
Our development manager is asking a taxidermist to revive the dog he purposefully ran over (twice) in his driveway?
It was all the facilitator could do to get us to play along while he lectured us about the wonderful, different company culture. At each point, he tried to extract examples to demonstrate precisely how wonderful everything was.
"Does anyone want to share how they have experienced management asking for your input on how they should conduct an important activity?"
Dead air. Everyone looks down to desperately avoid eye contact with the facilitator.
"Anybody?"
The clock ticks.
"Anyone?"
Management brows crease. They'll need a change of underwear in a few more moments.
Thankfully, one of the overeager new guys volunteers a shamelessly canned testimony to their lord and master. "Well, we did have a lessons learned session after Iteration 1!"
Diluted bliss crosses management faces. Panty crisis averted.
In yet another situation made for television, the praise leader asks, "So who here has heard that we have a really flat management structure?"
A smattering of hands goes up.
"Now, who actually believes it?"
Every single arm shoots down, except those belonging to the managers, who slowly peer around at each other, wondering what in the world just happened. They look mildly sheepish and ashamed, having shown that they are the last kids on the block who believe in Santa Claus. Of course, they were the ones that got the XBox 360s for Christmas. The other kids got socks.
Still, the day wasn't without its redeeming moments. When all were asked to discuss and present what made their best experience on a team great, everyone takes the opportunity to make thinly veiled jabs at what exactly made this team their worst experience.
"No egos -- everyone worked for the common good!"
"Everyone was totally open and honest with each other..."
"The team was of a reasonable size."
It seems surreal and totally unexpected, so many people standing up and subtly giving management what-for. Could management have anticipated that this was the likely outcome of the activity? Who killed the Pixies?
Lastly, the best moment of all happens during the eye-rolling "Stop, Start, Continue" exercise, where each functional group lists items it should stop, start, and continue doing. The Soulless Himbo Backstabber smugly agrees to scribe for the table. He steps up to the plate, wallowing in his amazing ability to fool the team's manager and all the pitiable analysts with his smooth act. He and his gang of hairy cheerleaders had spread all manner of vicious rumors about everyone at the table and beyond.
In acts of sheer survival, every team experiences enormous difficulty listing what things the team should stop doing. Finally, the analysis manager speaks.
"Here's one. We should stop talking behind people's backs."
Himbo, shocked, makes a graspingly poor attempt at humor. "What, you mean don't talk behind your back? Hey everybody, we should stop talking behind AM's back!"
AM is not amused. "No, we should stop talking behind Each Other's backs. Go ahead. Write it down."
Watching Himbo scribe Point #12 is like watching him slit his own wrists. When AM makes Himbo read it out to the whole gathering as well -- to aghast heckling -- AM climbs up a million ranks in my estimation. I am hoping against every hope that this is the moment when Himbo has finally Jumped The Shark.
As the day ends and everyone packs up, I thank AM for Point #12. He smiles. In the distance, I swear I can hear the faint giggles of the Magic Corporate Pixies.
posted by Little Green Potato at 8:00 PM
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