Did I Ever Tell You How Crappy You Are?

Like I said, it's silly season. I'm only this mean for fun -- the subject is totally fictional! No manager could possibly deserve this... Right? Thanks, David, for the indirect inspiration...

Though I am quite young
And small for my size
I met an old manager in the Valley of Lies
And he taught me a lesson I will never forget
At least, well, I haven’t forgotten it yet.

He sat in a swivelly leathery chair
And I wish I could say to his smug smirking face:

When you think things are bad,
When run out of people to use and abuse,
When you start to get mad…
Bashing people's heads till they're bruised…

There’s no point being happy,
You’re really quite crappy!
Most people are much less…
Oh ever so much less…
Oh always much-much less
Less crappy than you!

We’re glad you don’t work on the space shuttle Thribb
Your drool would jam gears if you weren’t wearing a bib.

It’s a free market world. All the people who’re in it
Are trying to be productive every hour and minute.
You oughtn’t be here, you useless old snot,
You can’t manage bupkus and you can’t code a jot!

Let’s assume for a moment,
You worked in old Redmond
And had to show talent
Or face being shunned!

Or perhaps,
Just for instance,
You breathed Valley air
And day in day out
You had to show flair!

You wouldn’t survive, you sniveling toad,
Your intellect’s non-existent and now it’s plateaued!
You may never get it together, I’m sure
You may never know how to find any cure
For morale that sinks into steaming manure.
Yes, papi, you’re crappy and not a la mode
Yet management powers you have been bestowed!

Thank goodness for all of the places you’re not!
Thank goodness one firm is containing the rot,
Preventing the spread of your pure disgrace,
And keeping you rightly in corporate space.

BUT

Your suit’s pretty snappy,
Don’t worry! Don’t stew!
They may not discover
They might not uncover
All those hundreds of thousands less crappy than you!